I don’t let people in often and I mean what I say. If I tell you you’re my friend that means a lot, if I tell you I love you know that it is not a phrase or expression and know that I actually love you in the best and most honest ways that I can.
Unnecessary violence disgusts me.
Now when I say unnecessary, I’m meaning violence for ANY reason other than self defense. Even just the thought of it upsets me, and makes my stomach turn.
I realized this when someone brought me a job today at work, that I had already printed twice, and while handing it to me said ‘please don’t hit me’.
Now I know he was joking, and that he was meaning it as ‘don’t be mad at me for asking for this to be printed again’ but it upset me so much I started yelling at him. He looked shocked, and couldn’t understand why I was so angry about his comment, and me being as angry as I was, couldn’t fully explain how I was feeling or why.
Later, after I had calmed down, I tried to talk to a friend about it, but even the thought of someone asking me not to hit them infuriated me.
Now, I already knew that this was something that bothered me, but I never put much thought into it. It was just something I felt, and I never really cared why, but after today I started thinking and I think I have figured it out.
I can not imagine there being a reason to EVER intentionally hurt someone without it being to defend yourself from violence (which shouldn’t be happening in the first place). So when someone says ‘don’t hit me’ even if it in in jest, I am hurt, and offended, that someone would even suggest that I would be the kind of person that would intentionally hurt someone else.
I am not that kind of person, that is not the kind of person I want to be associated with, and that is not the kind of person I want anyone to think I am.
I just needed to get this out.
I have an overwhelming fear that everyone I care about is going to leave me.
I am jealous, protective and possessive of the people I care about. I don’t mean to be, and it bothers me that I am.
I’m starting to get anxious about Christmas. I’m afraid everyone is going to think their gifts are stupid…